Saturday, April 17, 2010

Stop the ringing

Every three minutes, somewhere in the world, a bell rings. A ring for more chicken soup. A ring for a pillow adjustment. Or, a ring to ask for a louder and more theatrical bell. And these are just the earnest rings of men aged 17 to 45.

It’s time to stop the ringing. We need your marketing plans, communication strategies, and new product initiatives to help silence the clanging of man colds, hay fever, and indigestion. As head of our functional confectionary portfolio, you will inspire two brand managers to market our medicated remedies into the outstretched arms of unwell Australians nation-wide.

With the possible exception of an adverse effect on the bell-making industry, you’ll be using your marketing degree and proven marketing expertise to make Australians feel better. Every time someone bites down on a Butter-Menthol so that they can carry on with their day, you will know that you have made a positive difference. And you’ll be taking an already successful division from strength to strength - which isn't going to hurt your career.

For more information, contact me on twitter - kate_elinore

Friday, April 9, 2010

Awkward 1. Evil 0.

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for awkward women to do nothing.

That's why I told the lady on the bus that there was a mint in her hair.

On the way home last night, the man sitting to my left unexpectedly sneezed, launching a half chewed mint into a nearby lady's hair. Then, right, he glared at me as if to say "Don't say anything!"... It was a dilly of a pickle. After a lot of thought and a little bit of laughter, I decided to risk the man's ire, and tell her.

Everyone who bore witness to this scene felt just a little bit awkward. I think it was worth it, though.That lady needed to know about the partially savoured smint nestled in her perm. Am I a hero? Perhaps. Have I changed the world? Maybe a little. Did I get off the bus three stops early due to embarrassment? You bet I did.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Know-it-alls never learn

Speaking. I think it's over-rated. If you're smart, I am so very happy for you. We need more people like you. You invent things like post-its and toaster strudel. Do me a favour, though? Please don't feel like you need to prove your wealth of intellect by opening your pie hole at every opportunity. And at the expense of other people.

There is an expression about opinions and arseholes that I am too much of a lady to repeat, but it holds true. It's an epidemic. Why do we live in a world with 237 talk shows, and no listen shows? We should have shows without talking. Think about it. I haven't.

I'm not sure how it would work, the format is still in it's infancy - but it would still be better than The View.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Just nod and smile

The land of Nod (land/uhv/nod) noun 
A mythical land of sleep

The thing is, I haven't slept properly for about a month. I can't do it. I have tried and failed. It's not a barrel of laughs.

Last night, I made pumpkin burritos for a late dinner. It was delicious but it really didn't help me out, sleep-wise. In fact, it resulted in a series of 40-minute nightmares interrupted by feaverish panics about a friend of mine... being eaten by giant pigeons. 

I don't blame the Burrito. No one else who ate them had nightmares. In fact, I think you should try the recipe out - Link to recipe I wrote.

But now I am drinking ice cold water and slapping my face so that I don't nod off, at my desk. I am also emitting high pitched squeals when I see pigeons, as the people at my bus stop will atest to.

Apart from that, everything's normal.